


Slapass

by SlimeAndSnails



Series: Audacity [1]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Ass Slapping, F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mild Injury, Multi, Other, Spanking, You Have Been Warned, but it's bc beel's ass is made of solid steel, but not sexual spanking unless you count asmo being generally horny, choking hazard, do not eat or drink anything while reading this, gender neutral reader, i've been told to tell people, rated t for language and aforementioned horny asmo but nothing's realy mature, the brothers are all thirsty but some of them are better at hiding it than others, we are not lewding luke don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22581829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlimeAndSnails/pseuds/SlimeAndSnails
Summary: Mc slaps everybody’s ass. Hilarity ensues.Written because someone in an OM server was talking about smacking someone's ass and I was filled with Inspiration.This is both just as stupid as it sounds and not nearly as stupid as it sounds.No proofreading, we die like men.All bonus chapters complete!
Series: Audacity [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670011
Comments: 260
Kudos: 1368





	1. Lucifer

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Solmare and this is purely for fun.

It really was pure instinct. You’re normally not this stupid, but now you feel so alive. Like the whole world is more colorful, the details sharper. Your palm tingles like a thousand tiny beestings and your skin is clammy. But that might be the sudden panic that’s gripped your heart and squeezed.

  
Lucifer is glaring down at you, having snapped himself upright before you could even process what you’d just done. No, not glaring. _**Glaring**_. Emphasis necessary. It’s almost got a tangible power behind it, like the force of his stare is pressing down on the back of your neck.

  
“Eheh. S-Sorry?” You stutter out, knowing full well your life is in danger. The glare does not lessen.  
His perfect eyebrow shoots up and his arms cross.

“May I ask just what the hell you think you’re doing?” He sounds both angry and somehow slightly amused.

  
You’d knocked into him in the hallway, dropping one of the books you’d been assigned to read for class. Polite bastard he is, he bent to pick it up for you with a graceful apology. And his ass was just. There. Taunting you.  
So you smacked it. Hard.

  
And it was very satisfying, to be quite honest. Lucifer has a nice ass. The only real problem was that his thick uniform jacket got in the way and muffled the blow a little bit. Well, that and the fact that you’re pretty sure he’s about to set you on fire with his mind.

  
You fold your hands behind your back as if it’d make him somehow forget exactly what just happened and clear your throat. Confidence is key when dealing with Lucifer, or something like that. “Well, I think we both know what I just did. And I just want to state for the record that you were the one that bent down in the first place. What was I supposed to do?”

  
His eyes narrow. He is obviously no longer amused. “I see. Come with me.” He gracelessly shoves the book back in your hands, turning on his heel and striding away. You note that his long jacket now has a curious wrinkle on the back of it. Not wanting to anger him further, you quickly catch up with him, making sure not to fall behind.

  
The next 10 minutes are spent in pain as he returns the favor in a decidedly not pleasant way, but it was worth it for the feeling of that plush demonic booty and the tiny undignified squeak you heard at the moment of impact. Even though you won’t be able to sit properly for a week.

  
So worth it.


	2. Mammon

You’re on a mission. That adrenaline rush was too good. You’ve tasted blood, and you want more.

Target acquired. Deploying hand.

SMACK!

Mammon’s squeal is indescribable, filled with pain and something entirely the opposite at the same time, and he stumbles nearly into a faceplant. You grin, flexing your fingers. 

“What the FUCK?” He practically screeches, whipping around to look at you and rubbing his now very sore bottom. His face is prettily displaying the brightest blush you’ve ever seen. Maybe the boys weren’t joking when they said he was a masochist, all those weeks ago when you arrived here in the Devildom.

“What, can’t handle a weakling human smacking you around a little bit?” You rub your hands together, trying to relieve the sting. Once again you put all of your strength into slapping the ass of a thousands-of-years-old greater demon, and their durability is no joke. You’re going to get hairline fractures if you keep this up. But it’s so worth it.

He splutters for several moments, turning so his back is faced as far away from you as he can manage, like he expects you to do it again. Obviously trying and failing to compose himself, he stands up straight. “I can h-handle it.” Oh my. “The GREAT Mammon can handle anything! Just. Just don’t do that again without askin’ me!” Oh  _ my _ .

“Is that an invitation?” You can’t help yourself, he’s just so easy to rile up.

“NO!” Sure it’s not. 

“Whatever you say, Mammon. I’m gonna go ice my hand now. Your ass is bony.” You turn and walk away, ignoring his protests. You don’t think you’ll ever get his expression out of your mind.

Some time later, he sneaks up behind you and returns the favor, but much gentler than you did. When you look at him in disbelief, he just glares. The blush on his face betrays him, but he still tries to keep it cool.  


"That's what you get."

...

"Oh, really?" You raise your hand, snaking around him. He hops away from you, clamping his hands down over his butt to prevent you from getting a good spank in. "That's what I thought."

This continues on for some time, the two of you chasing each other around the House of Lamentation trying to smack each other. Needless to say, the other inhabitants are very annoyed.


	3. Leviathan

Speaking of bony butts, Levi has finally gotten his out of the gaming chair. Well, I say that, but really he’s just playing a game that requires standing up. So there he stands, VR headset on and controllers in hand, turning his head around a virtual corner to look out for some pixellated monster. You’d been conscripted to make sure he doesn’t walk into a shelf or wall and knock over one of his Ruri-chan figurines or something equally tragic.

Motive? Check. Opportunity? Check. Alibi? Well, you don’t really need an alibi for this crime.

WHAP!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Truly, these boys have some vocal cords. You feel like your whole skull is rattled by the sound as he scrambles away from his assailant, dislodging the headset and nearly flinging the controllers into the wall. The game keeps running on his computer screen, monster hands closing in over the player character’s vision.

At least this time you didn’t hurt your hand. Leviathan takes a moment to catch his breath, heart probably crushing against his ribs. He’s broken out into a cold sweat.

“...  _ What is wrong with you?! _ ” he starts, “You made me game over!!”

Whoops. If there’s one rule to messing with Levi, it’s this: Never mess him up while he’s gaming. It’s a surefire way to piss him off like never before. Okay, you can salvage this.

“Okay, first of all, I think you’re over-reacting.”

“OVER-REACTING? YOU-” He stops suddenly, cheeks flushing as he realizes what exactly you just did. He look at your hand. Then at you. Then back at your hand. The pieces seem to fall into place completely, and he blushes even harder and turns away from you. Generally, due to him sitting all the time and not particularly caring about well-tailored clothing, his pants tend to ride a bit loose and low, and today is no different. In fact, in his scrambling, his already ill-fitting pants scooted just a bit lower on his hips, giving you a cheeky (hah) look at his blue and white striped briefs. Nice.

“...”

“...”

Well, this is awkward. Finally he pulls himself together enough to start taking down the VR setup, moving his chair back into place and firmly placing his stinging butt in it. Looks like it’s the silent treatment. Whether it’s out of anger or embarrassment, I couldn’t say. But it’s probably both.

Totally worth it, though.  



	4. Satan

You’re feeling like a fucking daredevil, adrenaline coursing through you. Satan is well mannered and generally pretty friendly, but he’s still Wrath incarnate. Pissing him off in any real capacity is basically asking to be maimed. Let’s hope he’s in a good mood today.

Here’s the plan: You’re going to zip past him, giving a gentle and playful tap to his glutes. Less force hopefully means less anger, which is always a good thing. And hopefully you’ll be fast enough to be out of there before he can react.

The thing is, sometimes plans just don’t work out. So when you take off towards him, you fail to notice the slightly raised plank on the old hardwood floor. And naturally, your toe catches on it, sending you crashing into him with all of your mass. You both tumble to the floor, a tangle of limbs and yelps. Satan is fortunately fast enough to block your head from smacking into the floor with his hand, so all you really have to contend with is his weight and the impact of your own butt against the ground.

And speaking of butt, you currently have an entire handful of Satan butt. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?

“Are you okay?” He asks, moving his hand out from under your skull now that there’s not much danger to it anymore. “What were you doing, just running down the halls?”

“Ow. Yeah, I think so.” You say, skillfully dodging his question.

“That doesn’t answer my second question.” Okay, maybe not that skillfully. He shifts, once again bringing your attention to the current position of your hand.

“... I guess it doesn’t,” You say, now trying to worm your way out from under him. “But this might.”

You give his ass a firm smack, taking advantage of him freezing to slip out of his grip and get started standing up. Only once you’re off the ground do you notice him looking up at you with pink cheeks. “Satan? You good?”

He clears his throat, pushing himself up off the ground and dusting the knees of his pants. “Fine.” He looks you right in the eye. “You have a lot of nerve, don’t you?”

_Shit._

“Hah, uh. I’m gonna. Go now. Bye!” You say, turning as fast as you can and power walking away. What you don’t notice is Satan watching you leave with an eyebrow raised. He’d heard plenty of complaining from Levi about your recent ass obsession, but he didn’t expect such a dramatic way of going about it.

Oh well. Worth it.


	5. Asmodeus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warning here for you youngin's, this chapter does have Asmo Horniness (tm) but nothing explicit.

“Excuse me?”

“Listen, I know I’m distractingly beautiful, but I’d appreciate it if you listened to me. I  _ said _ I know what you’re up to.”

Asmo had essentially busted into your room, flopping onto your bed and sidling up to you closely while you tried to work on your Lucifer-assigned tasks. Okay, “busted” might be a bit of an exaggeration, considering the door was open. No point in keeping it closed when you have 7 demonic siblings treating your private bedroom like a common room half the time. But that’s besides the point.

“And what do you think I’m up to?” You reply, knowing full well you’re up to about ten different things at any given time.

He does one of his patented Asmo Chuckles, patting your cheek in an ironic twist of your recent escapades. “A little birdy told me about what you’ve been doing the past few days. I know you’ve been… Accosting my dear brothers.” Ah, that. Truth be told, you were inclined to give up on the ass-slap streak you created after the disaster with Satan yesterday. You still count yourself lucky you still have all of your skin.

“... Okay, and?”

Asmo sighs, giving you a look. “And I know why you’re doing it.”

You close your book, knowing that with Asmo in your bed you’ll never get anything productive done. “Oh yeah? And why’s that?”

“Well, clearly it’s just to lead up to yours truly. I mean, I understand you might be a little shy about coming to me directly. And some of my brothers do have some truly nice butts. Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE butts? Anyway, the point is, you don’t have to be so coy. I’ll be-” he suddenly has a smoldering look on his face, eyes practically glowing with intensity, and his voice drops into a silky honeyed tone, “ _ more _ than happy to let you play with me.” He leans in closely, practically purring. “All you have to do is say the word.”

Okay. That’s annoyingly effective. He may not be able to charm you with magic, but that cheeky smirk is certainly a bit tempting. You look away from him.

“That’s a pretty bold conclusion.”

Once again, one of his patented Asmo Chuckles, still laced with that silky smooth tone. “But it’s pretty close right now, isn’t it?”

“... No comment.”

You can practically see his pout in your head, even looking away from him. “Fine, be that way.” He pulls away from you, getting up.

...

Sigh. “Asmo.”

He turns back to you, looking like a particularly smug cat after a delicious canary meal. “Yes, darling?”

“Come here.”

“Don’t mind if I do~”

SMACK!

“AH! Harder~!”

… Yeah, no. “Okay, you got your slap. Now get out of my room.”

“Aww. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here and… return the favor?” His wink is audible.

“I’m pretty sure.” You don’t think you could handle more of his antics right now. Your palm stings. You really need to stop putting so much power into this stuff.

“Okay~! I’ll be in my room if you change your mind.” He leans over, kisses your cheek, and practically dances out of your room. And on that night, Asmo laid expectantly (and seducively) on his bed for some time, overestimating the resident human’s love of butts. But only barely.

But it was worth it for that sweet, sweet sting of their hand on his rump.


	6. Beelzebub

Once again, target acquired. Beel is raiding the fridge, which is a completely not unexpected sight, and he just happens to be wearing snug jeans today. Damn, that exercise is absolutely doing it’s job. But enough about that, you’ve got a task to accomplish and you’re gonna do it. Almost immediately after you got to the Devildom, Lucifer tasked you with keeping Beel from eating everything in the fridge, and the rewards he put up for it were too good to ignore. So why not kill two birds with one stone?

You get into position, waiting for him to bend down to grab something off of a low shelf before you make your move. Lucky for you, he seems interested in something on the very bottom, leaving you access to his, well, bottom.

SMACK!

“Owwww!” Why the hell is he so solid? This dude’s muscles are like concrete! You’re almost completely certain you’ve injured yourself, but a quick clenching of your fingers reveals that you at least haven’t broken anything. Beel turns around, barely managing to avoid hitting his head on the frame of the fridge as he looks at you in pure confusion.

“... Are you okay?” He asks, alarmingly calm. He looks down at your hand, seemingly not processing why it’s bright red and shaking. Despite his confusion, he opens up the freezer and pulls out a bag of something demonic and thoroughly inedible to humans, carefully pressing it into your palm.

“Ow ow ow ow. Jeez Beel, you are  _ dense _ .” He makes a tiny, almost offended sound. “I mean literally. How much muscle is packed in there?” You poke at his chest with your good hand, noting that it’s also practically concrete.

Beelzebub chooses to ignore your question, asking one of his own. “What happened?” You just look at him blankly. Did he somehow miss your whole hand coming into contact with his buns? Evidence points to yes. “What?” Now he’s even more confused.

You just look back down at the improvised ice pack, then over at the food he unceremoniously dumped on the counter. “I’m supposed to keep you out of the fridge.”

“Oh.” He frowns, clearly not happy about the interference in his hourly munch. But then he lifts the ice pack off of your hand. “It looks like you’ll be okay. What did you do?”

Seriously? “Seriously? I just spanked you as hard as I could and you didn’t even feel it?”

It’s really impressive how often you can get these all powerful devils to blush, really. And a bit of a boost to your self esteem. “Oh, is that what you were doing?” He steps aside to let the fridge close. “You can try again if you want.”

You raise your eyebrows, looking at him incredulously. “Are you serious?”

He shuffles a bit. “I heard from Mammon about you messing with him the other day. And then Levi. And then Satan. And… It was pretty hard to not hear Asmo. So I guess it makes sense that I’d be next, but it doesn’t look like it worked out. Next time be gentler”

Damn, he’s got you pinned with that one. Honestly, Beel is too damn observant sometimes, when he’s not distracted by his stomach.

“Well, maybe when my hand stops throbbing.” You pat his arm, slipping your hand out of his. “Just try not to eat us out of house and home. Lucifer’d be pissed.”

Beel smiles just a bit. “Do you want to share some of this ice cream?” He asks, pausing for a moment. “To make up for your hand.”

Okay, the jarred arm was totally worth it.


	7. Belphegor

Well, this is inconvenient. And adorable. And maybe a little intimidating, but still very adorable. You pet Belphie’s hair gently, trying to shake him awake.

“Mmmh.” And all he does is snuggle closer to you. He’d fallen asleep on your shoulder probably an hour ago, and you didn’t have the heart to move him. But now you  _ really _ needed to pee. And having an ancient incarnation of laziness itself practically curled up on top of you and hugging you tightly is not exactly the best way to go about relieving that particular issue.

“Belphie. Belph.  **Belphegor.** ” He shifts, peeking up at you for the barest second before dipping his head under your chin, swinging a leg over your lap to get even closer.

“Mrgh. Ten more minutes...” This is not helping. Now you start actively trying to wiggle away from him, but you’re stopped by his annoying demonic strength. “No. Stay.” Having managed to still your movement, he snuggles back into you, already snoring softly again.

You sigh, resigned to your fate. For about 5 minutes, after which your bladder gets even more insistent. And then you remember what you’ve been, as Asmo so aptly put it, up to.

“Belphie.”

“Hrg.”

“I have to pee.”

Silence.

“Okay, B. You leave me with no choice.”

SMACK!!!

Belphie yelps just a tiny bit, almost releasing you completely as he jerks away. Now he’s staring at you, face a soft pink and eyes wider than you’ve ever seen them.

“I warned you. Now move for a sec, I gotta use the bathroom.” You carefully push him off of you, ignoring his suddenly very intense stare. “I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later, you’re finished with your business and head back into the room to return to your regularly scheduled watch-movies-while-Belphie-uses-you-as-a-pillow appointment. Except now, Belphegor is sitting on the bed, fully awake for once, and is staring at you again with that smoldering intensity.

…

“Uh. Belphie?”

“You know, if you wanted to do that sort of thing, you should’ve just asked.”

… Oh boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I've you'd like me to do a chapter for Diavolo, Simeon, or Solomon, let me know!


	8. Bonus - Diavolo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wanted some bonus chapters, so here you go!  
> Diavolo is a little saucy. For all of us Diavolo lovers who don't get enough content with him.

Almost everyone's figured you out by now, but that's not a problem.

Well... Maybe it's a bit of a problem.

Okay, it's a huge problem.

Any time you get near Diavolo ( _Lord_ Diavolo), Lucifer quickly steers him away, has someone distract you, or something of that nature. It's honestly starting to get on your nerves. You haven't slapped an ass in almost a week, and your hands are beginning to thirst for booty once more. You refuse to go to Asmo, no matter how receptive he might be or how often he finds himself bent over near you. He seems to have contracted a serious case of butter-fingers over the past few days, and his smoldering looks as he goes to pick up the pen/notebook/flower/whatever else he just "accidentally" dropped are painfully obvious. Tempting, but obvious.

God, you need to get a grip. Focus! It's time to put your cunning plan to the test.

It's party time, and as we all know, parties in Lord Diavolo's castle are a prime time to interact with him. He's a wonderfully gracious host, and he's started setting out a snack table specifically for Beel. You scan the room, noting that every demon in the place is currently horned up, as they say (they don't) and have their wings, tails, or other assorted demonic appendages out. At the very far corner is Lord Diavolo, talking happily with a demon you don't recognize, probably about his exchange program. There's your target.

You begin to make your way through the crowd. Various demons end up either making a wide berth around you, reaching out to touch the now infamous human exchange student (mostly the succubi and incubi, you politely brush them off and some of the cheekier ones swoon), or just sort of staring at you with hungry or curious looks. A slim arm slips around you from behind, and a chin comes to rest on your shoulder.

"Well, hello there. What are you up to, hmm~?" And of course it's Asmo.

You roll your eyes, taking his hand and transitioning your positions into a dance as smoothly as you can, hoping to avoid too much scrutiny. "Still think I'm up to something? I haven't done anything in a week."

He grins cheekily, wrapping his arms around you. "I know, which means you must be either planning on something big, or a certain someone is stopping you." Damn him. He's too sneaky. "I'll be happy to help you with your fun."

"Let me guess," you roll your eyes, clearing your throat and shifting your voice into an impression of his. "For a price~!"

He frowns just a little bit, but quickly wipes the expression away. "You're bad at impressions. But yes, for a price. What do you say I distract Lucifer, and you move in for the kill?" At that last bit, he pokes you in the side, giving a wink.

...

"Fine, what's the price?" You know this is going to come back and bite you on the ass, (potentially literally, you never know with Asmo), but you really want to see how Lord Diavolo reacts to a good swat on the moneymaker.

"I knew you couldn't resist~ Don't worry, it's nothing too big. Well, that's not true." And another cheeky grin. "You know what I mean. All I want from you is a small favor I can cash in when I want. Nothing... Too interesting, of course. For now."

Ugh, Asmo is too slick. "Whatever. I withhold the right to refuse if it's something I really don't want to do. Deal?"

"Deal!" He spins you around quickly, and when you've righted yourself Asmo has disappeared into the crowd. You whirl around, looking for him, but he's nowhere to be found.

Ah, wait. He said he'd be distracting Lucifer, who's significantly taller and easier to find in a crowd due to his commanding presence. You manage to find Lucifer easily, standing on your tiptoes to see over the shoulder of a particularly tall demon. And there Asmo is, draped across a nearby demon and starting to make a bit of a commotion with his raucous flirting. You have to admit, he knows what he's doing. Lucifer stalks over to him, reaching out to pull him away, and you take your chance.

Dodging demons, you manage to find Diavolo again, surprisingly far away from Lucifer. Oh well, that's just more convenient for you. You sneak up behind him, tapping on his shoulder, and he turns to you with a big, Diavolo-esque smile on his face. Wow, his horns are impractically big.

"Hello there! I trust you're enjoying the party?" He says with a chuckle. He looks down at you hopefully, and you try not to stare too long at his gilded wings.

"Yeah, it's great. Looks like the whole Devildom turned up, huh?" You smile back, and he perks up visibly.

"Yes, there are a lot of people here. If I'm totally honest, I think some of them wanted to get a look at you. You've become quite well known, haven't you?"

"Eh. I guess. Hey, can I talk to you about something in private?" Now's your chance, hopefully he'll take the bait. Your mouth is practically watering with anticipation at the thought of getting your hands all over the Demon Lord's choice buns.

"Oh? Of course, right this way. We can talk in the hallway." He holds out an elbow to you, and you take it gladly. He even has the courtesy to shift his wings behind you so you don't get slapped by them accidentally. What a gentleman. You're led into the hallway, where he turns to you with a now concerned look. "Is something wrong? You said you were enjoying the party, but I hope that wasn't just out of politeness."

Now you're a bit nervous. This is probably one of the first times you've ever been properly alone with him, and it's honestly just a bit intimidating. But you can do this. You swallow thickly, looking up at him. "No, the party's great. A bigger crowd than I'd like, but that can't really be helped." He seems to relax at this, thankfully. "I just. Wanted to get you alone for a minute."

His entire demeanor shifts a bit, his smile becoming warm and soft now. "I see. And what did you want to talk about? Here in the hallway. With me. _Alone_." Damn, when did he get so close to you?

Focus! You take the tiniest step back, mostly to regain your personal space. "Okay, uh. I think maybe there's been a... slight miscommunication?"

"Miscommunication?"

"Yeah." This is awkward. You hear a commotion from the other room, but Diavolo seems content to ignore it. "I called you back here so I could, uh-"

And then Lucifer strides into the hallway, stopping in between you and Diavolo and _**glaring**_ down at you.

"Just what exactly do you think you're doing, _human_?" Ouch, he hasn't called you that in a long time.

Diavolo puts a hand on Lucifer's shoulder, stepping to his side so he can look at you. "Now, now. There's no need to be so hostile. Why do you think they're doing anything wrong?"

"Because they've been causing trouble recently." Lucifer looks over at Diavolo, then back at you. Is that a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks, or are you losing your mind?"

"Whoa, hey. That's an exagerration. Trouble would be coating your whole room in post-its or wrapping Satan in bubble wrap while he sleeps." Of course, both of those things would probably bring you a very unpleasant demise, which is the only reason you haven't tried them.

Diavolo laughs a great big belly laugh, patting Lucifer's shoulder. "See? They're clearly not up to anything."

"Yeah!"

Lucifer simply sighs, shooting you a scowl that would pierce your very soul if it weren't for the fact that you know he wouldn't lay a finger on Diavolo's precious exchange student right in front of him. His shoulders drop and he slips out from under Diavolo's hand. "Very well. Asmodeus is causing trouble, and I need to go handle it anyway."

Diavolo waves him off, looking back at you. But you're watching Lucifer.

... "Hey, Luci!" You call out. Lucifer whirls around, vein popping out of his forehead.

SMACK!

Diavolo jumps slightly, turning away from you. He and Lucifer stare at you with the most shocked expressions you've ever seen in your life.

"Guess I was up to something." You wink at Diavolo with the cheekiest expression you can manage, and then hightail it out of there like your life depends on it. Which it may very well, considering the crushing aura that permeates the rest of the party.

Asmo detaches himself from the six different demons he's currently got latched onto him, striding over to you confidently.

"Well? Mission success?" He asks, draping an arm on your shoulder.

"Mission success."


	9. Bonus - Simeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another bonus, this one for our gorgeous angel Simeon! Just like with big Diavolo, we get a little extra because I feel deprived of Simeon Content (tm).

It’s just not fair. It shouldn’t be allowed. Hell, it should be illegal. It gives him an unfair advantage.

Maybe I should back up.

It’s Simeon. He’s just.

Too.

Damn.

Pretty.

It’s unacceptable. And entirely distracting. There you are, minding your own business, working on an assignment,  _ being a diligent student _ , and he’s just. There. Existing. Looking like THAT. It’s rude, is what it is. Not to mention the fact that the angels don’t seem to be required to follow the dress code like everyone else. You think Diavolo maybe gave them a pass so everyone could drool over Simeon’s exposed shoulders and liquid crystalline eyes.

Focus! You’ve got work to do.

…

Fuck it, Devildom history is too complicated. Who decided to invent time travel magic? You’d like to give them a talking to. Fortunately no one in this school seems to care if people are actively working or anything, as long as stuff gets done in the end. You’re pretty sure the teacher (who is some sort of amorphous extradimensional Thing) has been sleeping or vegetating or something for the past 20 minutes, and nobody seems to be working at all. Even the goody two-shoes angels are just sitting there waiting for the bell to ring, although they might have already finished their work. Almost everybody else is goofing off, drawing on the board.

Your attention shifts back to Simeon, particularly his silky looking hair. You wonder how he’d react to a good thwap on the rump. Maybe he’d be confused? Or offended? He’s never given any indication of haughtiness over being touched by humans or demons, so you don’t think so. And… it is possible he’s heard of your newest vice.

You’re determined. There’s only one way to find out. Unfortunately, Lucifer has placed a watch on you. At least two of the brothers have to be with you at all times. Honestly, It’s starting to get frustrating.

But today, you’re lucky. Because your escort happens to be a certain pair of twins. Belphegor is asleep, snuggled into his ever-present cow pillow and snoring softly, a tiny string of drool looking from his open mouth. Honestly the position he’s in looks truly uncomfortable, so you nudge him to the side a bit until it no longer looks like his neck is halfway to breaking and fluff his pillow for him. He gives a sleepy noise of appreciation, eyes barely slipping open to look at you.

“Shhhh.” You pet his hair. “Back to sleep.”

His eyes are already closed and he’s back to snoring by the time you finish speaking. Now, for the slightly harder part.

“Psst. Hey. Beel?” Beel looks over at you, the last remnants of a particularly large candy bar poking his cheeks out. “That the last of your snacks?” He swallows, nodding solemnly and placing a hand over his stomach. You grin. “I got a big bag of gummy worms with your name on it.”

He perks up instantly, wiping a bit of chocolate from his face. Then he frowns.

“... What do you want me to do?”

“Smart boy. All I want is for you to “forget” you’re supposed to be watching me for a minute.” He narrows his eyes. It’ll be hard to convince him to cross Lucifer so blatantly. But you’ve got a plan. “And if you don’t snitch, I’ll buy you three of the biggest burgers at Hell’s kitchen. Deal?”

Beel considers for a moment, watching your hand when you slip the wormy candy out of your jacket. His eyes light up when he sees them, and he’s already reaching.

“I said, do we have a deal?” You say, pulling them away from him.

He makes a tiny whining noise. “Deal.” And just like that, the bag of sugar is snatched out of your hand and being torn into. Fortunately he has the presence of mind to scoot his chair back so you can slip past him, and even offers you a single worm, which you take.

You make your way over to Simeon, who’s fiddling with a pen. He notices you approach, and looks up at you with a polite, shining smile. “Hello. Is there something you need?”

Honestly, sometimes just looking at him brings tears to your eyes. Too gorgeous. You wonder if it’s a celestial thing but Luke doesn’t seem to have the same effect. Maybe he’s just not old enough.

“Right, uh. Kind of. Can we talk in the back of the room?”

He stands up gracefully, carefully removing his shawl-cape thing and draping it over his chair. Curious, but not that surprising. That thing probably gets a little warm sometimes. He leads you to the back of the room, and you make an honest effort not to stare at his back. Who knew his already revealing top is also alarmingly low-cut on the back? Drool worthy.

Focus!

Simeon comes to a stop at the back of the class room, leaning on one hand on a spare desk and placing his other hand delicately on his hip. He’s half turned towards you, and his ass is in prime slapping position. But you have to be patient, good things come to those who wait.

“So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” He’s looking at you with great interest now, his eyes seeming to glow. Whether figuratively or literally, it’s hard to tell. Angels are weird.

“Right. We were supposed to talk.”

There is a short pause. You glance over at Beel, and he gives you a thumbs up, colorful worm head sticking out of his mouth. Simeon raises an eyebrow, and if you didn’t know any better you’d think he was giving you a once over. That’s definitely not the case, though.

“Ok, I’m sorry for this, but. I have to. I just have to.”

He now looks properly confused, but that glint is still in his eyes. “Have to wha-”

SMACK!

The whole classroom is suddenly dead silent, aside from Belphegor’s whistley snoring and Beel’s crinkling of the gummy worm wrapper. Your hand stings slightly. Simeon is looking at you with fire in his eyes. Feeling suddenly very warm, you glance around. Almost everyone is staring at you, but they seem to lose interest very quickly when Beel suddenly slurps a particularly large handful of gummy worms into his mouth, some of the demons now egging him on. Fortunately, the Lust demons seem to do this sort of thing a lot, so they have almost no interest. You’ve seen things, and you don’t think you’ll get the images out of your head, ever.

Nervously, you look back over at Simeon, whose attention is squarely and firmly on you. He has a completely unexpected look on his face.

Satisfaction.

Leaning in towards you, Simeon lowers his voice almost to a whisper, silky smooth.

“Next time you want to touch me, we might find somewhere more… private.” And then he’s gone, striding back over to his chair and putting his shawl back on with all the poise of a millenia-old celestial being.

Well.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to write this twice because I lost all my progress the first time. :^)  
> And yes, big Simeon did remove his shawl to make it easier to target his ass.  
> He knows what you're up to.


	10. Bonus - Solomon

Yet again, Asmodeus has encroached on your personal space. He’s very good at that.

Today he happens to be complaining about Solomon, something something summoning for stupid reasons blah blah interrupting his “me time” something something smudged his nail polish. You’re really trying to listen, but Asmo talks too fast and you’re a bit distracted because his head is leaning on your shoulder and his perfectly curled hair is dangerously close to getting caught in your mouth. It smells like flowers.

This man has no idea what boundaries are. You wonder if lines of salt really work on demons, because this is getting ridiculous. Asmo is still talking, so you adjust to where he’s no longer about to suffocate you with his silky locks and pat his shoulder.

“Are you even listening to me?” He says, rolling his eyes. He sits up, crossing his arms and glaring at you.

“I’m trying. I just don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t exactly stop Solomon from summoning you, even if I tried.”

Asmo huffs, fixing his hair. He looks you up and down, a thoughtful expression on his face. It always feels like he can see through your clothes, all the way down to your bones. Well, he might be able to do the first part. Demons are weird.

“I’m calling in my favor.”

Oh boy. You knew you were going to regret this. Sigh. “Fine. What do you want me to do?”

Asmo smirks. “Don’t worry. It’s not something you probably wouldn’t have done anyway.” You don’t like where this is going. “I think it might be Solomon’s turn for a spanking.”

Oh. Well. That’s not too bad.

“And I want you to record it and post it on Devilgram. That way he can’t order me to delete it.”

And there’s the catch. Because there’s always a catch with demons.

“Fine. But if he gets mad, I’m blaming you.”

* * *

So now here you are, in Purgatory Hall, letting Solomon tutor you in the Devildom’s history. Which you needed anyway, but still. And now you’re waiting for an opportunity to get your hands on his mystical ass.

About an hour into your study session, Solomon sighs, closing his book.

“This is a bit tiring, isn’t it? How about we take a break?” Honestly, Simeon bless this man. If you have to look at more descriptions about how some wrath demon conquered 50 tribes alongside his pact-holder you’ll melt into a puddle of boredom. You nod, and Solomon gets up.

“I think I’ll go get us something to eat. Would you like anything specific?” He asks, polite as ever.

You think for a moment. “Something with frosting. Cupcakes? I think I remember Luke mentioning he was working on a recipe.” Not to mention that if Solomon’s startled enough by your palm of fury, he might spill frosting on himself. Which would certainly be entertaining. And if he isn’t then you get cupcakes. Win-win.

He nods, slipping out of the room. You pull out your D.D.D. and open up the camera app, before switching to text Asmo.

[We’re on. He just left to get snacks]

He takes a moment to reply, so you stand up and go hide behind the door.

{Good job! Remember to send me the video before you post it!}

[Of course.]

Just as soon as you finish typing, Solomon returns with a small platter of brightly frosted cupcakes and a couple of glasses of juice. You quickly switch back to the camera app and start recording, watching him look around in confusion.

“Where did you g-”

SMACK!

Solomon stumbles forward, knocking into the small table he’s set up and almost dumping juice everywhere. You barely stifle your laughter, covering your mouth with your hand. When Solomon turns around, the first thing you notice is that his uniform jacket is painted pink and blue with frosting. The second thing you notice is the fiery look in his eyes.

You grin, making sure to get a good shot of the now very smashed cupcakes. “Sorry about that.”

Solomon takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. You quickly stop recording and send the video to Asmo, just in case he decides to grab the phone out of your hands and delete it. When you look back up, Solomon is looking you dead in the face, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“... Oh shit.” The realization hits you that you’ve just pissed off the most powerful magic user in the history of humanity, _ever_. And you don’t have a pact with him to protect you like you do with most of the brothers.

“What’s your safe word?”

Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OwO


	11. Bonus - Headpats for Luke

It really was pure instinct. You’re normally not this stupid, but now you feel so  _ alive _ . Like the whole world is more colorful, the details sharper.

There you were, helping Luke bake some hopefully very delicious cookies, and he’d asked you to get the flour out of a cabinet that he couldn’t reach. So you did.

And then promptly dropped it on the counter, the bag bursting out and white powder coating you and Luke. Without thinking, you’d taken Luke’s hat off of him, running your fingers through his hair to try and get the clumps of flour out of it. And oh my God, his hair is so soft and fluffy. Like someone took an actual cloud and stuck it onto his head. You don’t notice you’ve just started petting him until he screeches indignantly.

“Hey! Wh-What do you think you’re doing!” He slaps your hand away with almost no real force and snatches his hat back from you. He shoves it back onto his head, plumes of flour bursting out in all directions.

“Luke, calm down. I’m just trying to get that stuff out of your hair.” You adjust his hat for him and start wiping the flour onto the floor so you can sweep it up. Luke is silent for a few moments, watching you. He has that very serious look he gets sometimes, but his cherubic face pulls any chance of taking him seriously away.

“... Okay, you can do that. But only because I can’t see where it is! And you owe me for messing up the flour!” He says, looking down and blushing. Luke really is a sweet kid sometimes, you think. When he’s not being an angry chihuahua. 

You grin, pulling the hat back off of his head and brushing the flour out of his hair. He huffs, letting you pet him for a few more minutes before pulling away and trying to salvage any flour he can. Smiling, you set his hat back on his head gently and go find a rag to wipe the counters with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke is a good boy and anyone who thinks about touching him in inappropriate places will be fought by yours truly. Don't lewd the baby angel.


	12. Bonus - Barbatos

It’s time. The final mission. The end of your posterior-oriented journey. You’ve gone through hardships. Trials. Good times and bad. You’ve felt the flesh of kings and angels and devils.

And now, the last ass is in sight.

Today is a student council meeting, which you’ve been graciously invited to as a member of the House of Lamentation. And being that a particular member of the council has a black hole for a stomach and gets cranky when he hasn’t eaten, there is, of course, a snack table. Manned by the one and only Barbatos, because someone has to keep Beel from devouring the whole table. He's standing near it, calm as ever, and you decide it's time to get a snack.You stand up and walk over as calmly as possible, waving Mammon off when he looks at you in confusion.

“Hello,” Barbatos greets you politely, smiling. “Here for a snack?”

“In more ways than one,” you reply, picking up a finger sandwich that looks like it has some sort of wing membrane in it. Demon cuisine is weird. Barbatos tilts his head, watching you carefully. “Mind if I chill here with you for a few minutes? I don’t think they need my input over there.”

Barbatos looks over at Diavolo, contemplating for a moment. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Would you like me to get you a chair?” You nod, chewing on the sandwich. Definitely bat wings. A few moments later Barbatos sets a chair down next to you and gestures for you to sit.

You take a seat in the surprisingly comfortable chair, munching on another small sandwich. Beel is looking over at the table hungrily, but he’s very obviously torn between feeding the void of his stomach and letting Belphegor, who appears to be on the verge of falling asleep, lean against him. You give him a thumbs up, collecting some snacks in a couple napkins to bring back to him when you get up. Once you’ve collected at least three of everything you notice that Barbatos has shifted to stand beside your chair, tidying up the napkin pile that you decimated. He leans over a plate to smooth out a wrinkle in the tablecloth, and his butler booty is suddenly right in your line of view.

The time has come.

SMACK!

Whoops, that was louder than you intended. The sound of your palm making contact with Barbatos’s backside echoed through the council hall sharply, bouncing off the high walls. Literally everyone is staring at you now, with the curious exception of Barbatos. If you couldn’t see the baby pink blush on his cheeks, you’d think he somehow didn’t notice. 

Wait.

You forgot that he can see the future.

He clears his throat slightly, getting back to work fixing up the table. You hear a stifled snort, and look up to see that Diavolo is covering his mouth, broad shoulders shaking violently. Lucifer is pinching the bridge of his nose, sighing. Mammon, Levi, and Satan are all visibly trying to keep themselves from laughing, and Asmo looks annoyed, almost jealous. The twins pretty much immediately lost all interest in the situation, Beel holding his now growling stomach and Belphie rolling his eyes and going back to his comfy position.

Deciding it’s time to take your leave of the snack table, you get up, grabbing all of the little napkin baggies you made for Beel. You almost make it away when a gloved hand gently grabs your sleeve, tugging you back slightly.

Barbatos is looking away from you, opening his mouth like he wants to say something. Now that you’re getting a decent look at him, the blush is more obvious. He struggles for a moment before speaking up, finally looking straight at you.

“Come find me after the meeting.”

You nod, awkwardly waving to him and getting back to your seat. Fortunately the meeting started back up, so you creep over to Beel and give him his food before sitting back down next to Mammon.

“Finally finished the collection?” Mammon grins, nudging you. “And they say I’m the greedy one.”

You elbow him in the ribs, sticking your tongue out at him. The meeting goes completely uneventfully after that point, if you ignore the eyes you now feel boring into you.  


Why do you get the feeling this has only just started?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it was a great journey with y'all.  
> The good news is, it's not over yet! I will be writing at least one sequel to this. Next we go for the chest.  
> Until that comes out, I'll probably write one or two miscellaneous fics. At least one of them with feature Beelzebub's choice abs and another will feature some alone time with Lucifer.


End file.
